And I broke.
It was strikingly clear I will never leave here. We have people in this stack who did their post-docs at HARVARD. We have people who have 30 conferences as a speaker and 50+ papers under their belt. My uni is a teaching school, not research. I have no conferences, no papers and even if I start writing them today (and I have, over the summer which would be done by now if my autoclave hadn't died.
It was hard enough to spend 10 years of my studying to be a doctor and have it all end with one well placed kick. I never really wanted to teach but I made the best of it and I actually do enjoy it most of the time (Once I made the mental move to accept it because this is my life now, planned or otherwise).
But man, to see how much more qualified these people are than I ever will be is a kick to the gut. Yes, we're a teaching school with an emphasis on student research NOT high powered research. How could I ever compete with these people? They have it all over me. My ONLY selling point would be that I am a teacher first, researcher second. Honestly I'm looking at these CVS going how could they possibly be happy here? THere is no way in hell they could continue their research. We don't have the means to do it.
All those hopes of finding a job back home and buying grandma's house are truly dead. I'm here in this place I don't like for life. I put my life on hold for 10 years, not dating, making minimal friends with the hope of leaving here. Maybe I should have gotten on a hiring committee earlier to know how pointless that was.
So if you're still reading this, want to help me out while I struggle to readjust my ego? I'm working on a new story, almost contemporary about an author who wants to break away from writing YA after the cancer death of his 8 year old son and a ghost hunting love interest. It's already hard to write as I've never had a child, let alone lost one so I'm not sure I can do it justice. But what I want from you all would be what would YOU want to see in a story that has ghost hunting/ghosts in it? There are TONS of ghost stories out there so I want to know what would make YOU interested in a ghost story (and if you want to make my year, want to read this by the chapter as I get them done which won't really equate to tons of time on your part as slow as I go).
Now back to figuring out where the hell the scene with moving Luc out of his Dad's place went. I've been reading since Luc's attack straight through so either I forgot to print a chapter or it went missing. Bangs head on ground.