reviews_and_ramblings | A forced farewell

A forced farewell

In this moment I'm wondering if people know how hurt they can do with a simple click. I lost a friend on LJ some days ago, he removed me from his friendlist without a word. As I said in a previous post, I know that my LJ can be "particular" (to be gentle) and so I tried to justify that act. But it still hurt, since I believed we were friend beyond LJ. He has my email, he could say a word before doing something like that, and instead nothing. I didn't write to him since I had done in the past, when I noticed some strange things happening, a "cold" in our emails or comments that I hadn't found before, but he said that no, nothing had changed and I thought maybe it was a language barrier.

When he removed me from his friendlist, I removed him from mine too, it's my rule, but I fed his blog... stupid me, I was thinking to at least leaving a link. Then this night he removed me from another social network, again without a word... and now I hear the message loud and clear. I removed him too, from that social network and also from the feeds of my LJ. I also removed the tag I had of him but I didn't remove the posts.

I have an idea why he did so, and this make me even more sad. I really believed him a friend. I have learned a lesson more tonight.

ETA: I also deleted my account on Twitter, the worst personal experiences I had in these last months are due to that social network. If you were friend of me there, you know where to find me, I didn't friend no one on Twitter that it was not my friend also on LJ.

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Yes, the whys and ifs are so much. I'm in that position that I fear also to know why since basically I fear it will hurt more. Elisa

No, no chance, he is still there and still posting, he only closed off me. I have to learn to not feel so much for someone that I only met online. Elisa

No, but thank for the kind suggestion. He defriended me some days ago, and I thought it was for my post about model with three pics out of the cut. It was a lame reason, but I thought it was a reason. Than he defriended me from another social network, and then I realized that there was probably something more, and it was in that moment that I received the real slap. Elisa

Thank you Robin. Maybe he thought he let me understand, with his beahvior of the last period. But when I wrote to him, he told me no, it was only in my mind. In a way he did worst, since I was starting to get used to that, and instead he put a stop to my mourning process. Elisa

Twitter was the second network he defriended me from. In Twitter you can't be "obsessive", you have only a line to write... And Twitter was the network where I had that other bad experience with another author, that time I didn't know him, so I let it pass... To me Twitter brought only bad moments. Elisa

Thank you Val. It's not self-deprecation, I know I did something it noised him, but still I don't think it is enought to break a friendship. But probably it was never a friendship from his side. Elisa

I fear more to know why than not knowing it. I fear it's a stupid reason, or something I can't change. Elisa

Se io fossi al posto tuo chiederei direttamente a questo ragazzo il motivo del suo comportamento.Magari lui voleva metterti alla prova e tu magari cancellandolo dalla tua lista amici senza chiedergli la ragione del suo comportamento in qualche modo lo hai deluso.Magari ha pensato che a te non importa niente di lui e che lui é uno come tanti. In ogni caso ti consiglio di chiedergli direttamente il perché del suo gesto.A volte é meglio avere una spiegazione chiara, per quanto possa essere spiacevole che macerarsi nel dubbio.Comunque io personalmente adoro te e il tuo journal.Ciao

Prima che mi cancellasse dagli amici, gli avevo scritto, privatamente, perchè avevo notato uno "strano" comportamento, una certa freddezza nei commenti che non avevo mai rilevato prima. Mi ha risposto che ero paranoica, che non era cambiato nulla. Gli ho anche chiesto scusa per aver pensato male. E poi mi ha tolto dalla lista degli amici. E dopo da Twitter. A questo punto non ha senso scrivergli ancora, ha preso la sua decisione credo. Elisa

*hugs*

I had the same experience a few years back, when someone online I was so close to we spoke almost every day, cut me virtually dead. He had bad things going on in his own life that took him off the net for *all* his friends, but he still didn't see any need to explain to me, or trust me to understand. He would have received my sympathy and help, but as it is, we're nothing more now than polite acquaintances.

I believe it's in the the nature of virtual friendships. We all use the word 'friend', but of course for many of these people I have no idea *what* they're like in real life. I can connect in many ways when we have subjects in common, but they have so much else in their life that I'll never see or share.
And it's the same for them, in how they see *me*. I think I'm very open and clear and pleasant but I expect some people don't agree. I can't affect that, except to go on as I am in truth.

(sorry I'm going on about *I*, it's not because I'm trying to hijack this topic for ME, but because I don't want to sound like I'm pouncing on you if I use *you* LOL).

IMO, much of the pain comes from not knowing - that is, what the person is thinking, why they're upset, where they are, why they won't talk about it, at least privately. It's just like a physical relationship break-up. Someone mentioned 'rudeness' and I agree with that - but I also think it's cruel just to cut someone off without some private note at least.

If it's a true and trustful friendship, you can discuss anything that upsets you - maybe even agree to disagree. I've done that with other friends. But now I'm a little more careful in what I disclose and where I do it. I have a very small 'Trust' folder in my mind (see, I'm a computer geek even in my head LOL) where there are the few people whom I trust to have the same attitude to life, sense of humour and kindness towards people. IMO, that's what really matters, the core attitudes. We may not be daily friends for ever, but I hope I can trust them to let me know if not.

Gosh, I've gone on, sorry. There are such good things and sense in these other people's posts. I can't believe for a second you've done anything *wrong*. It's just that sometimes you have to accept a friend's moved on for reasons of their own, and although it hurts like hell, you eventually have to let go of that one, but enjoy other friendships that maybe have a sounder footing.

*more hugs*

You are right, I need to let him go. And I will. I will consider this post my farewell to him. I'm sure there are some reason, I only think they were not so important to lead to this. But probably for him they were. Elisa

Hi, Elisa!

I've read your post late last night and I was too tired to react.

Obviously I'm sorry that you feel bad. Simillar things happen in the online world, some people think that to be ''virtually'' rude is allowed.

Now I'm glad to see that you got so many reactions so that you notice once more how much you and your work are appreciated.

But I especially wanted to tell you about my first *panic* reaction: I read the post's title and at first I tought you were talking about yourself, that you were thinking about not writing for a while. That would have been a loss! In fact I was relieved when I noticed that it was something completely different.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

Best Wishes!

Antonella

Thank you Antonella. Today is a little better, but not so much. Maybe I hoped in an hint, and it is not arrived. Well, I think I have to really let him go. Elisa

Elisa, I have found LJ to be a place of deep friendships. I have extremely close friends and I have met them occasionally in RL. They are directly responsible for supporting me to my dream of publication--so how empowering is that? And I work to do the same for two other talented friends.

I guess like the rose, there is no flower without the petals and the thorns.

I don't like twitter or blogs particularly. This is where I'd like to be.

I had a strange dream this morning that I went to Italy and met my Italian friends. I hope one day that happens and I get to meet you since I love that country.

I would love to let you see my country through my eyes, I always like when I have the chance to do that when I'm abroad. Elisa

You're right. If he valued the friendship so little, then it's better to have him out of your life.

I'm really sorry for what happened to you and hope that you'll get it over very soon.

I've been thinking how to comment to your posts on this subject. To tell the truth, I can understand the person somehow(I have no idea who he is). Defriending without explanation was what he could, might be for your own good.
You've got so many clues and insist that can't understand yet?

If my comment offends you, you can defriend me. You might not be hurt so badly even if I defriend you without a message. Or, am I wrong?

Truth be told, I don't understand if you are talking for ipothesis or if you are saying something true. About me having so many clues, I thought I had, and I wrote to him to ask if I was right, and he said no, I was paranoic, so, what I believe a possible reason he said no. When he defriended me, I thought it was for posting too much, and he didn't like what I post, and so, I thought, all right, I can understand that. But defriending me from another social network proved that it was no that the reason. So no, I have no clue left.

And I will never defriend someone since he commented on my LJ, I will ask explanation if that comment was rude, or I didn't understand it. Till this moment I have never defriended someone by my choice, I always defriended people who defriended me first.

Elisa

I thought it was for posting too much, and he didn't like what I post

It's not the subject of your posting too much or what you post. It's "how you post" them.
I know that you've been hurt deeply, but he must have felt uneasy or worse as far as he is not insane. He is just honest to his own emotion.

You believe that your journal has no relation with another social network, but your journal is the mirror of yourself. So he might take it as a part of your personality.
I'm not going to take his side. Only want to see the issue objectively. You've got enough words of sympathy and support from other friends, so there must be someone who see things from different pov.

Until now I've defriended people twice without an explanation.

Trying to explain it's difficult. Let only say that "how I post" is not reason enough, since he still has in his flist people who post things even more uneasy than mine (and I'm talking of lot and lot of picture of naked man, without cut, in plain sight), and apparently for them the parameter is different. I have never posted full nudity out of a cut. And even under a cut, I always try to post something with a reason, I don't do meat marked. Elisa

since he still has in his flist people who post things even more uneasy than mine

All right, you explained me now about it.
Since I don't know about the person and his friends, I can't guess their standards.
Weird. Why are you clinging to the nudity of the pictures you've posted? Did he blame you for that? I didn't mention about it in my previous comment.

Are you upset because you think that you've been thrown out of his groupies' list (supposed that he regards so). Then, he is such a person who don't respect you, what are you worrying about? Will you be satisfied if someone says how he is insane or one of his female friends were so jealous that convinced him to defriend you?

Listen Elisa, only one more thing. Everybody has his own feeling. I'm trying to be reasonable and kind.

Good night.

No, but he defriended me soon after I posted 3 pictures out of a cut, and the pictures where of male, so I can only guess.

And now I feel like I offended you somehow, I was only trying to explain. It's so hard to understand that I had feeling for that person beyond a mere online link, and what he did make me feel bad?

But good night.

Elisa

*HUGS*

That's all, honey. Just *HUGS*

~Tis

Thank you, hugs very much needed. Elisa

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. * hugs *

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