A forced farewell

[reviews_and_ramblings]

In this moment I'm wondering if people know how hurt they can do with a simple click. I lost a friend on LJ some days ago, he removed me from his friendlist without a word. As I said in a previous post, I know that my LJ can be "particular" (to be gentle) and so I tried to justify that act. But it still hurt, since I believed we were friend beyond LJ. He has my email, he could say a word before doing something like that, and instead nothing. I didn't write to him since I had done in the past, when I noticed some strange things happening, a "cold" in our emails or comments that I hadn't found before, but he said that no, nothing had changed and I thought maybe it was a language barrier.

When he removed me from his friendlist, I removed him from mine too, it's my rule, but I fed his blog... stupid me, I was thinking to at least leaving a link. Then this night he removed me from another social network, again without a word... and now I hear the message loud and clear. I removed him too, from that social network and also from the feeds of my LJ. I also removed the tag I had of him but I didn't remove the posts.

I have an idea why he did so, and this make me even more sad. I really believed him a friend. I have learned a lesson more tonight.

ETA: I also deleted my account on Twitter, the worst personal experiences I had in these last months are due to that social network. If you were friend of me there, you know where to find me, I didn't friend no one on Twitter that it was not my friend also on LJ.

Comments

[cornflake2912.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for you and sad. But in LJ and in the internet it's impossible to trust people. Even if you think you are friends with someone, you can be hurt so badly.

Always good to keep a distance to your feelings for other internet users. It's a shame, but true.

Love.

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Yes, now I know. It hurt a lot since we had something, I believed, beyond a simple "friend" link on LJ, but probably it was only by my side. Elisa

Lesson learned

[(Anonymous)]

Well hopefully that lesson isn't to not be friends to people. I for one value your friendship. You seem like an incredible woman. Don't change who you are for any reason.

Re: Lesson learned

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Thank you... are you really an anonymous friend or you forgot to sign the comment? Anyway, thank you. What I learned tonight is to not put my heart in the net, or at least not so much. Elisa

[marquesate.livejournal.com]

Oh Elisa, I'm so sorry. I know how much this can hurt, and the worst is, when it happens without an explanation or without a proper talk. The dark side of the internet is that many (most?) people are prone to fall for the disinhibition effect. Meaning: things they would not do in a face to face situation they have no second thoughts doing via the medium of the internet. As if the person on the other end of the screen was not as emotionally involved or valid as someone is who sits in front of you.

Have a virtual hug, I know that isn't very much, but it's all I can do all the way from Scotland.

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I cried for that person in the past, I even worried. I believed he knew that, but probably it's not. Thank you for the virtual hugs, I need that. Elisa

[titheniel.livejournal.com]

Defriending without a word of explanation is always a rude thing to do, especially if you thought you were friends with this person beyond LJ. I'm sorry it had to happen to you, dear, but sometimes people are just not worth it. Not all of them, though. Don't let this stop you from forming beautiful friendships online -- I know I value them as much (or more) than my RL friends!

*hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I have more friend online of what I have in RL, but only few of them I consider real friend. He was one of them. Tonight is like losing someone near my heart. And what hurt more is that he even doesn't know it. Elisa

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

This happens more often on the Internet, but it goes on in real life sometimes, too. I've walked away from a few ... well, what I thought were friendships, but clearly weren't ... but not if the other person was willing to meet halfway, or even partway. But a clean break's usually better than a flame war.

Look at the number of folks who've defriended you.. and weigh that number against those of us who are still here. {hug}

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

The fact that I can't enjoy how many friends I have now in comparison to loose that one tells you how much it hurts. I'm not for a flame war, no one will or can know who is, if not me and him. I wrote a post some days ago to let him know that I understood (I believed to understand) his act. I'm writing now to let him know that NOW I received the message. It will die here. But for me he was not simple another online friend. Elisa

[yachay.livejournal.com]

I know we don't really know each other, but trust me when I say this, I feel for you. Something like this has happened to me more than a few times in the past, and it's never easy. Hopefully this won't happen again to you. And even tho it is wise to keep your heart safe, I hope you won't stop trying to make friends over the internet. Because there is a lot of people around, who would be lucky, and I believe most happy to have a friend like you.

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I would like to be able to be wiser, and to not build fantasies in my head that are not real. It would have hurt the same, but maybe with a private email before doing such a thing I would have been the illusion that it was not only something by my side. Elisa

[ashmedai.livejournal.com]

That always is a terrible thing to happen. I'm really sorry. :(

*hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

He was one of my oldest friend on LJ and I still can't believe he did such a thing. I'm waiting for something, a sign that it was all a misunderstanding, but I know it will not arrive. Thank you for the hugs, I need them. Elisa

[raynedanser.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm very sorry hon. On one hand, I'd say to be more careful, but at the same time, I also don't want to see you block yourself off because it *is* possible to make some terrific friends online if you leave yourself open to it. I'm sorry he wasn't more honest with you about what was going on or why. I haven't known you long, but I would have to say right now that he's missing out on someone really cool.

*hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I know, I met some wonderful person online, and I'm really not able to be "closed" to people, it's not me. I'm really crying in this moment, and I know that it will hurt for long, but I also know that will pass. I will be able to remember the good thing and hopefully forget all the rest. Elisa

[shadownyc.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

You deserve to be treated with more respect.

*Hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I deserved something different, I only know that I already miss him. Elisa

forced farewell

[(Anonymous)]

Hey Elisa - Sorry about that hurt to you. You're such a sweet person. Easy as it is for me to say, definitely DON'T take it personally. Chances are this guy could have gotten involved with a really jealous girlfriend who spied on his e-mail and Internet activities, turned to him and said, "Elisa who? Get rid of her!" and he didn't have the inner strength to refuse. This kind of thing happens.

Re: forced farewell

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I know so much that person that I can tell that this is not the reason, even if I would like to be. Removing me from LJ, from his friendlist, it could have been justify to my "passion" for pictures, sometime a bit too explicit... this was my first thought and for this reason I justified him the other day. Removing me from this other network tonight, that has no reason, only that he doesn't want me no more in his life. Fine, message received. It hurts, but all right. I lost you, but you will loose me. Elisa

previous comment

[sedonia-guillon.livejournal.com]

Hi Elisa - that last comment was me, Sedonia. I had forgotten to sign in. Hugs

Re: previous comment

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Thank you Sedonia. Elisa

[kika-k.livejournal.com]

Auu. Cosa avevo scritto nel messaggio?
Mi spiace tu abbia avuto questa esperienza. Internet è piena di gente...strana e con la doppia faccia purtroppo.

*hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

E la sai la cosa ancora più dolorosa? lui è stato il motivo per cui io ho un account su LJ, ancora ricordo la notte in cui, cercando informazioni su di lui online, ho trovato il suo blog su LJ, e mi sono domandata cos'era e come funzionava... Elisa

[mongrelheart.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Elisa. As wonderful as the internet is, and as wonderful as the friendships that can be found there, there is always the fact that you can never truly know what the person is thinking on the other end of the connection. I'm truly sorry that he didn't value your friendship as you valued his, but that's his loss. *hugs*

[semioticwarrior.livejournal.com]

This.

I'm sorry this happened, Elisa, and that you're hurting. (big hug)

[abx-journal.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. We don't speak much but I always look forward to your posts, pictures, and book reviews.

**hugs**

Andy

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Thank you Andy. I don't use this journal so much for personal readon, and this is the reaosn why it didn't hurt so much when he defriended me, I was thinking, we had something more other than that link. But when he defriended me a second time from another network, then I realized that it was an real break. Elisa

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

I've been hurt deeply sometimes by things suddenly not being what I thought with LJ. I have no theories on why these things happen. I am sorry you hurt.

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

I always thought, and still think, that LJ is a more "personal" social network, a place where it's harder to find wrong things and easier to find real friends. I hope to be able to continue to think that. Elisa

[lab-jazz.livejournal.com]

Internet friendships can be very fragile and hard to maintain. When you only see words on a page and you have no facial expressions and body language hints to help you decipher the context of what's being said, it's easy to get it wrong. It doesn't help either that the other person often lives on a different continent so you can't just go and see them and fix things.

I feel sorry for you as it's obvious that you have no idea what you said or did wrong to bring this about, that suggests to me that you did nothing wrong.

I've made a few cyber friendships and I've been lucky that only one of them has gone down the gurgler, that was a very painful experience.

((hugs)) Lyn

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Maybe it was my time to have that bad experience. I was too lucky till now. It only hurt that it was him.

The only thing I know, is that he sometime lamented my lack of cut... and this is the reason why I accepted when he defriended me. But in the second social network there was not that reason, and defriending me also there it was a clear message. Elisa

[astridamara.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Elisa -- you are such a sweet and generous person I hate the thought of you hurting. I know nothing I can say will make you feel better, so I'm going to send you a video which makes me laugh every single time I watch it. Maybe it will make you laugh too and feel better!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBU5H62LscA

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Yes, it makes me smile... but I will not buy it ;-) Elisa

[b-sheridan.livejournal.com]

I've had close friends I met online and felt close to who stopped communicating with no explanation. It does hurt but there isn't much we can do but wonder why.

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Yes, the whys and ifs are so much. I'm in that position that I fear also to know why since basically I fear it will hurt more. Elisa

[evila-elf.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

Any chance he got depressed with the internet and is closing off from everyone and not just you? I've seen that happen a few times.

Always sucks to lose friends on here :(

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

No, no chance, he is still there and still posting, he only closed off me. I have to learn to not feel so much for someone that I only met online. Elisa

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

Being defriended unexpectedly, without a reason, by someone fairly close can really sting. It's happened to all of us and it's like getting slapped.

But the sting fades; it's just one of those things. Be you, be happy.

::hugs::

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

I just looked at Joule and one of the people who defriended you today has had their LJ suspended; it could be that it wasn't their choice?

[snowmore.livejournal.com]

To me, there's a fine almost invisible line between real life friendships and cyber relationships. I am very close to the friends I have met online and don't feel any difference between them and my real life friends - only that I can't see or hear my online friends.

I'm so sorry for your hurt, Elisa. I do have an opinion that he's not worth your friendship if he can't communicate why he's done this. It's not fair to you. Take care of yourself. Life will feel better soon.
*hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Thank you Robin. Maybe he thought he let me understand, with his beahvior of the last period. But when I wrote to him, he told me no, it was only in my mind. In a way he did worst, since I was starting to get used to that, and instead he put a stop to my mourning process. Elisa

[kennsea.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about everything, especially in regards to Twitter. I have had nothing but good experiences with them, especially when it comes to networking with fellow authors and reviewers. But I guess I haven't experienced the dark side with the general public yet. Hope you feel better about it all, soon.

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Twitter was the second network he defriended me from. In Twitter you can't be "obsessive", you have only a line to write... And Twitter was the network where I had that other bad experience with another author, that time I didn't know him, so I let it pass... To me Twitter brought only bad moments. Elisa

[valkovalin.livejournal.com]

Hi, Elisa, I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened! No one can blame you for feeling shocked and hurt. Most of us would feel the same way if it had happened to us. These things happen from time to time, especially over the internet, and we can never really know why. It can take a long time to just let it go and realize that you did nothing wrong. You have my sympathy, and I'm very sorry that Twitter didn't turn out to be a better experience. It's okay. Concentrate on your LiveJournal. You've done great things with it, and it's a beautiful and welcoming place to be. Best, Val

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Thank you Val. It's not self-deprecation, I know I did something it noised him, but still I don't think it is enought to break a friendship. But probably it was never a friendship from his side. Elisa

[freyakiki.livejournal.com]

Se io fossi al posto tuo chiederei direttamente a questo ragazzo il motivo del suo comportamento.Magari lui voleva metterti alla prova e tu magari cancellandolo dalla tua lista amici senza chiedergli la ragione del suo comportamento in qualche modo lo hai deluso.Magari ha pensato che a te non importa niente di lui e che lui é uno come tanti. In ogni caso ti consiglio di chiedergli direttamente il perché del suo gesto.A volte é meglio avere una spiegazione chiara, per quanto possa essere spiacevole che macerarsi nel dubbio.Comunque io personalmente adoro te e il tuo journal.Ciao

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

Prima che mi cancellasse dagli amici, gli avevo scritto, privatamente, perchè avevo notato uno "strano" comportamento, una certa freddezza nei commenti che non avevo mai rilevato prima. Mi ha risposto che ero paranoica, che non era cambiato nulla. Gli ho anche chiesto scusa per aver pensato male. E poi mi ha tolto dalla lista degli amici. E dopo da Twitter. A questo punto non ha senso scrivergli ancora, ha preso la sua decisione credo. Elisa

[clarelondon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I had the same experience a few years back, when someone online I was so close to we spoke almost every day, cut me virtually dead. He had bad things going on in his own life that took him off the net for *all* his friends, but he still didn't see any need to explain to me, or trust me to understand. He would have received my sympathy and help, but as it is, we're nothing more now than polite acquaintances.

I believe it's in the the nature of virtual friendships. We all use the word 'friend', but of course for many of these people I have no idea *what* they're like in real life. I can connect in many ways when we have subjects in common, but they have so much else in their life that I'll never see or share.
And it's the same for them, in how they see *me*. I think I'm very open and clear and pleasant but I expect some people don't agree. I can't affect that, except to go on as I am in truth.

(sorry I'm going on about *I*, it's not because I'm trying to hijack this topic for ME, but because I don't want to sound like I'm pouncing on you if I use *you* LOL).

IMO, much of the pain comes from not knowing - that is, what the person is thinking, why they're upset, where they are, why they won't talk about it, at least privately. It's just like a physical relationship break-up. Someone mentioned 'rudeness' and I agree with that - but I also think it's cruel just to cut someone off without some private note at least.

If it's a true and trustful friendship, you can discuss anything that upsets you - maybe even agree to disagree. I've done that with other friends. But now I'm a little more careful in what I disclose and where I do it. I have a very small 'Trust' folder in my mind (see, I'm a computer geek even in my head LOL) where there are the few people whom I trust to have the same attitude to life, sense of humour and kindness towards people. IMO, that's what really matters, the core attitudes. We may not be daily friends for ever, but I hope I can trust them to let me know if not.

Gosh, I've gone on, sorry. There are such good things and sense in these other people's posts. I can't believe for a second you've done anything *wrong*. It's just that sometimes you have to accept a friend's moved on for reasons of their own, and although it hurts like hell, you eventually have to let go of that one, but enjoy other friendships that maybe have a sounder footing.

*more hugs*

[elisa-rolle.livejournal.com]

You are right, I need to let him go. And I will. I will consider this post my farewell to him. I'm sure there are some reason, I only think they were not so important to lead to this. But probably for him they were. Elisa