reviews_and_ramblings | My first love

First year of college. I'm 19 years old and I have never been real in love. My father is dead some months ago and I'm so lonely, I need something or someone who fills up my mind. One day I'm waiting for a lesson to start and raising my eyes to the front door I see a guy: he is tall, lean, dark long hair and pale skin, really he has a vampire look. Entering the classroom he seems to stop, looking to the seats and finally choosing a seat alone, far from the other students. Good, I think, also I don't like to seat near someone I don't know. Trying not to be noticed I continue to observe him. He takes out a book (a fiction one, not a schooltext) and begins to read. Another strange thing, I have never met a guy of that age who reads when he has not to do it. After that day, everytime I have that class I continue to look for him, but I have no courage to get to know him. Then one day the classroom is changed and no one has hung a notice (typical italian disorganitation). I know where is the new class cause I end a lesson some time before and have had time to ask to the administrative office. When I see him near the old classroom, I take the courage to talk to him and telling him of the change. Then I fly away without saying nothing more. But the next day he comes to me and starts to speak and from that day on he always seats near me during the lesson and also spents some time during the breaks and finally he asks me out. I'm so happy, I can't believe it. He is so handsome and I'm the typical average girl. Why me? And then he starts to give me some advice how to dress and how to use the make up: "Elisa, why don't you lose your hair? They are so long and so beautiful..." "Elisa, why don't you use some gloss and a bit of eyeliner..." "Elisa, why don't you use a skirt instead of trouser?" And I accept all what he says, I change my style, I try to lose weight, I listen to him like he is a god. But even if we date a lot and he comes to my city to do that (he lives in Venice I live in Padua) nothing of sexual happens between us. I don't know why, I'm not against the idea, I even try to dress to draw him... but nothing. For more than a year I wait (I'm too shy to do the first move) and ask nothing. Then one day I make a little move, nothing of sensational, but something to prove that I'm interesting in him also in a sexual way. And he disappears. For one call or two he continues to speak to me, but never again asks me out. And then also the calls stop. Yes, I have his phone number, but I'm too proud to ask why he never calls and I have never been to his house, so we don't see for chance. I cut my hair cause he likes them. Months and then years pass and I have other lovers but no one like him. When one of these stories ends in a pretty bad way I miss him and I pick up the phone. I call him but I find his parent: he no more lives in Venice, he lives in Milan, where also I live. I immediately call him. He seems to be happy to hear from me and we decide to go out. But the same afternoon I receive an email from him: he tells me about his life after we drifted apart. He has moved some time and had some bad experiences, but finally he has admitted with himself that he is gay and he doesn't want to make me suffer. And I finally I admit what I just know from years (yes, I was not so dull): he is gay and I can be only a friend for him. I say to him, it's ok, do you still want to go out? And we go out, and we speak, but we are not the same of years before.

This is me the year he goes away. I don't have any pictures of him

My first love

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's sad and sweet. I'm sorry he couldn't tell you sooner. Do you see him at all anymore?

Also, you're very lovely. :)

We remain in touch, but now I move again in Padua and he stille lives in Milan and travels a lot for work, so it's years I don't see him. Elisa

That's really difficult, especially at that age where everything is new anyway and you're feeling unsure. I'm sure it was tough for both of you, but I'm glad you were able to reconnect and become friends once more.

Angie

I still think at him like my first love. He can't be my best friend, this not, but I feel for him and want him to be happy. Elisa

As far as I can see, it was due to his character, or, possibly his memory with you may be connected his hard experience.
Some people can continue to be friends as if nothing happened.
(Like me and D. We live in the same house and we walking around naked(!)in the house but nothing happens)

I think he needed to left behind all his past life. Elisa

They should wear signs around their necks so we don't waste time wanting to be in love with them. We can love them as friends, but nothing more.

I'm old. I've seen too many things, known too many men. I am jaded. My own daughters have yet to learn about love, though they are starting to date. Real love, the kind that does not go away, is wonderful.
Learning about it causes tears, though.
I don't want anyone to have to live with tears.

(But the funniest thing is, I once dated a divorced man I had known from childhood. He later had a sex change operation and became a "woman".)

Now I miss him as a friend, the liberty to call him when I want to speak, but we are ot free to do that because old feelings are strong. Elisa

My first love

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